Money. We all need it. Most of the time, we wish we had more of it. But when we get married, what should we do about our money? Some couples spend many years together with separate finances before getting married, and they tell us it seems to work well enough. No-one feels financially dependent on the other, and there are opportunities to surprise your partner and spend your own money to buy them lovely gifts. But does this model work in marriage?

A common discussion in pre-marriage work is whether the finances of the couple are going to be combined or remain separate. Most of the time, this is a discussion that the educator knows has one real outcome, but pursuading couples of the benefits can take a little bit of convincing.

“What is that outcome,” you ask? Lets demonstrate with two stories.

Paul and Kim* got married in their early 30’s. By then, both had been financially independent for their entire adult life. Kim had a job as a lawyer, and Paul worked in construction. In this case, Kim earned significantly more than Paul, but this was never an issue for either of them. Kim decided that she wanted to keep finances separate, since she had studied and worked hard for her career to be in the place that it was, and wanted to enjoy the benefits. Paul had never been a wealthy man, and was not phased by the fact that Kim earned much more than him. He loved her for who she was, and not for her money.

Kim drove a new car, which she was able to update every two years, whereas Paul had been driving the same car for 15 years. When they got married, Paul’s car broke down and the repair bill was much more than the car was worth, so he decided it was time for the scrap heap. However he needed a car to get to work every day and was unable to afford one. He asked Kim for some money for a new car, and she refused, saying that he would have to find the funds for the new car himself, and that besides, he only needed it to get to work so it didn’t need to be fancy. Paul eventually had to settle for a second hand car. Kim was soon afterwards, able to swap her now 2 year old car for a new car, which made Paul feel even worse.

Take a moment to consider the power difference in this situation where one person is able to make financial choices on behalf of the other. Or consider the power difference in being able to keep your partner’s living standards just below your own. Whilst it might have felt empowering for Kim to maintain financial independence, the ongoing impact for Paul is that he feels like a lesser partner in the relationship. Needless to say, the intimacy in this relationship took a significant hit as Paul felt increasingly disrespected and disregarded by Kim.

Take another example.

A young couple Jo and Steven*, married in their 20’s decide that they want to do things differently to their own parents, and keep their finances separate. Both had witnessed financial abuse within their family and neither was willing to hand over their finances to the other. This worked well enough in the first few years of marriage. However eventually, they added children to the family, and Jo became their primary carer. She was able to continue to receive some money from her work’s Paid Parental Leave scheme which she used mostly to buy the groceries and clothes for the kids. As they got older, their needs increased and her eldest was diagnised with Autism. This meant that Jo was limited in her return to work opportunities since her son required weekly therapy sessions, which Jo also paid for.

By this stage, the relationship dynamic has evolvedd such that the person who was at the desk at the time a payment was due would make the payment. There was also an unspoken rule that one would not ask for money from the other. However with Jo at home predominately performing all domestic and child rearing duties, inevitably she was paying for most things and had no money to spend on herself. With his income remaining the same, Steven’s lifestyle did not change much, and he was able to enjoy the same outings as he had prior to the arrival of the children. Eventually Jo was unable to even buy new shoes for herself and struggled to put food on the table. The situation of financial abuse she had wanted to avoid, had become her reality.

Power and money. Money and power. For Jo it was the power imbalance and humiliation of having to request money to pay for children and family needs when the relationship dynamic had previously objected to this behaviour. For Paul it was the power imbalance that made him a lesser partner in the relationship, being subjected to a living standard lower than his partner’s.

The key message here is that combining finances evens out the potential power imbalances. Healthy marriages come with equal power structures. Each person in the couple relationship has equal say, equal access and equal opporutnity to make choices. Whilst it could work if there was continued and ongoing conversations about money, it comes with the potential for increased conflict or potential power imbalances. Some couples agree to keep a separate bank account for themselves with a pool of money for family and couple expenses, which can also work. However the ultimate goal is for both to enjoy the financial benefits of partnering with another without fear, humiliation or power struggles. In order to achieve this, the best outcome for both is to simply combine finances.

If you are about to be married and are considering whether or not to join finances, or if you have been married for some time with separate finances but have found it is not working, have a conversation with your partner today about where you see the pitfalls now and into the future of separate finances. Afterall, “When two become one flesh” means more than just the physical connection of two individuals, but also the emotional, social, spirital and financial connection as the two live as one.

*names have been changed. Both stories are adapted from real situations encountered by real people.

Baby communication connection divorce Family Family Planning finances love Marriage money relationship Relationships sex sexual intimacy women