There is nothing more disruptive to the life of a couple than the introduction of a first baby. The joy, the fear, the apprehension, the sleepless nights and learning the role of “parent” become centre stage. Suddenly, your duo becomes a trio, and the newcomer seems to have little interest in giving you time alone. Many couples struggle to adjust their relationship to the new circumstance, but there are a few things you can do when bringing baby home to help make the transition smooth.

1. Care for the baby together – many couples becomes consumed by the many tasks associated with a new baby. If your relationship has shown you work well together, this can mean there is a great opportunity to share the tasks with each other. When one of you is getting the baby’s bath ready, the other is undressing the baby. When one of you is changing the baby, the other is cooing and making eye contact with the baby. When you both get involved, you build skills together, and the responsibility won’t always land on one of you. We have all heard of the parent who does all the work, then doesn’t trust the other to care for the baby because they were never given the opportunity. The best way to avoid this is for both of you to learn together.
2. Plan couple time – babies are time consuming, but there will be some time for you to relax as a couple. Knowing the baby’s routine, if they have one, will help, but recruiting the help of doting grandparents, uncles or aunties can also work. Even an hour or two between feeds where you do not have the baby can give you an opportunity to relate as a couple. We know couples who have been to the movies when the baby was under 6 weeks old!
3. Keep rituals of connection – it can be tempting to forego rituals of connection when a baby comes along, but don’t give in to the temptation! If you always ate dinner together, then keep eating dinner together. If you always went for a walk after dinner, then make sure you are able to do that too. If you gave each other a kiss and a cuddle before one of you leaves for work, then keep it up. Each of those little rituals add up to feeling connected, supported and loved by the other. Babies also give an opportunity to create new rituals, such as reading to the baby, or taking the baby to see their grandparents. Whatever you choose, keep those rituals going.
4. Listen to each other – becoming a parent is a big deal, and there can be many emotions that can arise for you both. These can be positive emotions, or emotions that you or your partner find difficult. Either way, share your feelings, and listen to your partners feelings about becoming a parent. Make sure you are supporting your partner when they share their feelings, even if they are different to your own. However if you are concerned about your feelings or your partner’s, speak to your GP about getting some support.
5. Manage expectations – remember all those times you said you would be the best parent? And now that the little one is here, you realise just how difficult the whole experience is. Be gentle on yourself and your partner. Speak about your expectations about roles for you both, and make sure there is a discussion about who is happy to do what. You may find youself getting annoyed because your partner is failing to do something you haven’t even told them you expected them to do. They aren’t mind readers, so make sure you speak to them about it. If they don’t agree with you, then listen to them and come up with a solution together.
6. Take over when needed – one of the best supports a new parent can have is for a loved one to recognise when they are struggling. Many new parents can be challenged by caring for a new baby, and may find themselves needing a break. Recognising the signs in your partner could help them to regain focus and come back refreshed to be there for the baby again. Ask your partner what their signs might be that they are not coping, and what they might need, that way when you see it, you can be ready to jump in.

Whilst having a baby is a huge life disruption, it can also be a time to strengthen your love and commitment to each other. Seeing your partner rise to the challenge of caring for a tiny human being can be the most rewarding experience of your marriage. Watching your wife breastfeed, or your husband rock a crying child to sleep can remind you of why you loved them and chose to marry them.

Finally its important to remember that the newborn stage is a short lived experience for all parents. But setting the foundations in those first few weeks could mean strengthening your relationship and starting your parenting lives on the right foot.