How often have we heard the term “Opposites attract?” While our differences can seem endearing in the early part of a relationship, such as an introvert admiring the outgoing nature of an extrovert, these differences can cause tension as the relationship progresses. What happens when the extrovert wants to go out every Saturday night with friends, and the introvert needs to stay home to recharge watching Netflix and eating pizza? They cannot change each other, nor force the other to adopt their personality, so what can they do? The problem seems unsolvable.

Dr John Gottman in his 40 years of researching couples, found that most couples still argued about the same issues over and over again, year in, year out. He determined that 69% of couple conflict derive from unsolvable, or perpetual issues. It can be a hard pill to swallow in the early, loved up years, to think that we will still be arguing with our partner years later about the same old things that we do now. The cups constantly left in the lounge room. The need for closeness vs independence. The family member you don’t get along with. The way the socks are folded or how the washing is hung out. The values and beliefs you hold that they don’t. There are many things that we cannot change about our partner and can continue to cause tension in the relationship for its duration.

So what can we do with these perpetual issues? The first is to decide if it IS a perpetual issue. We may believe something is a perpetual issue, but instead, it could be simply a preference being exerted for no other reason than we prefer it. These are known as Solvable issues. They can seem unsolvable sometimes, but these are not the perpetual issues we are trying to determine.

When determining if the issue is just a preference, take a deeper look at the issue, and ask yourself, “Why is this important to me?” “What underlying value or belief am I expressing here?” and “Is this worth the trouble it is causing?” For example, in my early years of marriage, I would request my husband to fold the towels a certain way, causing an inordinate amount of stress for us both – me, because I was forever finding the towels folded the “wrong way” and he, because I would not let the issue go. When I took a look at why this was so important to me, I realised that in fact, it was not important to me at all, and that my relationship with my new husband was more important than how he folded the towels. Perhaps there is a similar issue that continues to bother the both of you. These are usually issues about housekeeping or personal habits. It is a good idea to assess for yourself why this issue is so important to you – is it about the towels, or is it something else? If it is something else, then talk about that, and leave the towels out of it!

So, what is a perpetual issue? Perpetual issues are more likely to be those conflicts that cannot be easily overcome. For example, not getting along with a family member, personality differences, values and belief system differences, the past, or different sexual needs. These cannot be changed, no matter how much we wish we could!

What can we do about perpetual issues? For our introvert and the extrovert, the issue seems to be insurmountable! However the couple could discuss their different needs with each other, coming to a mutual understanding and recognition of their differences, finding a solution that works for them both. They can never change their personality, but they can deepen their intimacy and understanding of each other by listening to each other without judgement or fear of rejection.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether your issue is solvable, unsolvable or perpetual. The key to good conflict management is open, honest communication, mutual understanding and respect. If you can manage these key elements in your conflict, then you have a recipe for a long and happy life together.

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