When two people come together to create a new family, a new dynamic is created. Everything that each individual in the couple has learnt from their own growing up experience has the potential to go into the new family dynamic., or family soup Sometimes these things will add value to the family, but other influences could spoil the flavour.

Think of each new family like developing the recipe for soup. Soup is pretty varied and forgiving – you can hide most things in the broth. As you were growing up, your own family had one recipe, and when you parnter with someone, their family had another recipe. So which recipe do you follow? And what are the ingredients!?

One of the tasks of a couple wishing to move towards marriage and family is to decide on the dynamic of their future family. This is critical because it sets the tone of the family life that any future children will have. You might like to consider:

• What values will be important to the family?
• How will children be disciplined and why?
• How will we ritually connect with eachother as a family?
• Who are/is the decision maker/s?
• How structured will the days and weeks be?
• What activities will define us as a family?
• How will we celebrate birthdays / Christmas / Easter etc?
• How will we acknoweldge our cultural identity?
• What is the purpose of our lives / How do we find meaning in our lives?
• How do we show appreciation, and care for those we love?

The answers to all these questions make up the recipe of your family soup. It is possible that some of the ingredients come from one of the spouses, and other elements come from the other. Some ingredients may be entirely new and based on your experiences of other ingredients that you did not like during your growing up experience. As a couple, you can decide to try any new flavour and see if it works for you.

Whether you are about to get married, are new parents or have been married with children for many years, take some time to talk with your partner about your family soup, and whether you are happy with the flavour. Perhaps a little bit of tweaking is needed if you have been married for some time. Or perhaps you are still trying to find which receipe will work best for you and your family.