Marriage as an institution gets a lot of bad wrap, some of it deserved and some of it not. Feminists might say it was designed to control women and hand power to men. Historians might say it was designed to solidify political relationships and bind families together. Pessimists might say that a piece of paper doesn’t mean much to a modern couple. Despite the ideological assault, couples still marry (although to a lesser degree). Something still calls them to make a formal, public commitment to each other. Why?

Marriage has been on the decline in recent years. 20 years ago, 55% of women aged over 18 were married, alongside 58% of men¹. However marriages since then have dipped to 48% of women and 50% of men. Despite, or perhaps as a direct result of the dip in marriages, more couples than ever are living together without the security of an official arrangement. Legally, de facto relationships are viewed in the same way as married couples, with the same legal protections during separation. Increasingly though, de facto relationships are experiencing separation at a much higher rate than their married counterparts. One has to ask, why?

Couples who live together before marriage (or instead of marriage) often find themselves “sliding” rather than “deciding” on a long term commitment. The difficulties associated with relationship breakdown, including financial, emotional or social can seem too big to overcome, and couples instead slide into a comfortable long term relationship, making do with their partner rather than actively choosing them. This can be compounded by the stage in which the couple started living together, with couples in the first 2 years of a relationship still idealising their partner and relationship. The shine can quickly rub off when you realise that your partner’s living habits are not as charming as you thought.

It is important that any couple take the timein getting to know their partner before commiting to marriage or a long term relationship. Focus on your friendship, and learn all about their likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams. Spend a weekend away or take a holiday before commiting to moving in, so you get a better understanding about how they operate in a domestic space. Get to know their family, and the similarities or differences with your own, and consider the impact of those differences on how you will relate as a couple, or as parents in the future. Give yourself all the information you need to “decide” rather than “slide” into a long term relationship or marriage.

Remember that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. There is so much to learn about your partner, and about yourself as you move through all the life stages together. When you make that commitment in front of family and friends, you never truly know what you are commiting to, what you will face as a couple. But marriage is more than just the promise of a romantic partner for life, it is the promise of a lifelong companion and witness to your own life. Someone who knows you on an intimate level and invites you into themselves also. Who could possibly say “No” to that?

1. De facto relationships, not marriage, more prevalent among young Australians (smh.com.au) ↩︎

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