Have you ever read the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray? The premise is that men and women are originally from different planets and had collective amnesia about this fact when they settled together on planet Earth. The argument is that men and women are built different, with different needs, values and ways of communicating. But does this argument still work today?

Perhaps the book worked for couples in 1992, and it certainly made a splash at the time, but in 12 years of preparing couples for marriage, I have been struck not by the differences between men and women, but their similarities. Conflict arises in relationships, the book says, because of our fundamental differences. However in my experiences, conflict is much more unique than just “my partner is a different sex to me.”

Conflict in relationships derive from differences, yes, but the differences are not based simply on whether we are male or female. Many men these days are just as in touch with their feelings as their female partners. I have worked with many couples where the male is actually more emotionally intelligent than his partner. I have also seen women who like to jump in and solve their partner’s problems and have trouble connecting with emotions, a stereotypically male trait. I once tried to explain to a group of engaged couples that men are quicker to anger than women, and women more likely to placate their partner, only to be argued the point with a couple where the opposite was true. There is no way to limit the experiences of men and women in such a binary way.

Conflict instead is a couple by couple process. The idea is not to dismiss the style of one individual because they fit a stereotypical male or female characteristic, or to expect one set of behaviours only to be confronted by another. The human experience is complex, shaped by both nature and nurture in unique and sometimes surprising ways. It is up to each couple to learn and understand their own partner through honest and open communication, and a desire to deepen their emotional intimacy.

Men and women are not so different. I have asked thousands of men and women to describe their experience of conflict in their own relationships, their emotions, their thoughts, their physiology and their behaviours. Many couples, taking a look at both the male and female responses, are not struck by fundamental differences between men and women, but by the similarities. Both men and women struggle with conflict. They experience big emotions and struggle with catastrophised thinking. They are trying to manage their heart rate, breathing and other body sensations to stay calm and in control of their behaviours. Sometimes they get it wrong, and do or say something they regret, only to later turn towards their partner with a repair attempt such as a hug, making their partner a cup of tea, or talking it through. Recognising the similarities between men and women allows us to develop a deeper understanding that our partner is also struggling in the conflict, and so our empathy towards them grows. If both partners are doing this, then conflict becomes a dance rather than a boxing match. And certainly, the othering mentality of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” can take a backseat as two Earth natives learn how to communicate with the individual in from of them, and not some stereotype that doesn’t quite fit.